Mission complete! (well, not quite yet…)

    Coward and loser, are the two words that I’ve been using repeatedly these days in my diary. Firstly, I’ve been living cowordly under the shield of my self-comfort zone almost the whole year. Secondly, I didn’t win anything constructively either…

    I’ve been pretty grumpy this year while my doggie’s being good, better-behaved. I didn’t cut my hair this year, I’m waiting for some consultation, though I probably won’t take it anyway. I don’t know when I started talking in a manner that usually makes no sense at all, never being logical. Nor do I know since when I kept losing belongs and never managed to find them again so that I have to force myself to think of a way to regard them as something that marks the end of some period which is no special. I must confess that I am always fussy about these things, no appreciation, I know I shouldn’t have been like that because of what I realize is that the more work I put into looking for sth, the less chance I have to find it.

    I don’t realy buy the ways both Harry Potter and The Lord of the Ring ended. Well, maybe, the heroes are doom to be disliked, overall, it’s films, what’d I expect? But, Albus and Gandolf are the kind of persons that I like most. The smiles and riddles of those old wise men can be extremely fascinating.

    Oh, right, before I forgot, this suppose to be the end of the year summary which of course has nothing to do with the title, i’m just being naughty and trying to fool people around…hehe…   

     Since I’m running out of paper(obviously i’m not writing with paper here), I’m going to end this with the question someone raised:"How can we define ‘love’?"  No, WE don’t wnat to define it cus nothing will fit. But recently, I suddenly found that it can be as simple as a sort affection given by a mother(be her yours or even not). The one moment of peace and warmth that I’ve been seeking for the whole year finally touched me at the very end of the time. I kept saying "no fair", but there’s actually nothing unfair there, it’s just how you think about it, and that’s what matters.

    And like what the American says love and happiness, these are the two things you can only pursue but never have cus they lie all the way of your searching journey but not merely the end of it and it doesn’t have an end. It’s like, I can see a clearer picture of reality, I can analyze my past and draw a better conclusion, I can take a good guess of my future as well, but it is always to cruel to face. I was such a fool to idling around with those lights and delights that lays in my way…there’s no going back…that’s what I always have to remind myself, and that’s the darkness I have no chance to conquer or even to start the battle. There’s no hope.

    To love and to be loved, to wait and to be waited that’s all beyond our ability and need no explanation. Throughout all these endless confrontation, a place that is restful, trustable and tacit, there, you can then place your fingures on this ancient kraft book, and see the words curved decently on the front the sentence as short as only four words: xxxx xxx xxxxx xx?

   Yes, that’s the code, and that’s the sound which will echo with every door of your heart and that will never faint.

 

Happy New Year to all and all a good night!

 

KC

    Sometimes, you’ll never know what will be revealed duringa trip which can be as short as only a day and a half. What I really want to say is, I don’t like gossip, that word usually makes me sick or if I were one of them who joined, I will unconsciously feel like being looked down upon, but, WE DO NEED TO CHAT!

   

    When the whole chatting thing is happening among a certain group of people, it may not necessarily make the world turn upside down, but it does allow you to see more clearly than you ever thought you can. However, I have to confess that since it happens only among one group of people, it has to involve a lot of personal opinion, or the word varies from different groups. Who can swear that they always say the same thing to every and each different person? I guess none.

    When something’s being revealed, others are due to be concealed. But as you have talked with others by any means (though might not be that long), you can still tell and choose those info which you believe and reprogramme those you already knew. Over all, you gained. So, there’s nothing bad there.

    To cap it all, this is all that I would like to say about the trip:  a mixed cozy and bloody freezing, simple and relaxing, ivolved two running where I have to catch the train, full of hearty chatting and best of all 幸せ汤之旅, and lovely pet shop!

 

ありがとう~みんな~

 

Karen C

19 Dec’10

    You know that giant ad on top of "dongfangshangsha" on nanjing rd, I love it! Rene Liu with a pure black Rado watch! I am trying very hard to prevent myself from getting that watch of my own, just watch me in case I do something crazy again.

    Recently, I’ve been attending a series of conferences, and during one of them, I heard that scientists say if someone cannot be kind, his/her brain must have some sort of damage…Okay… so, I for the first time realize that I now have got a broken brain! Whose fault? enh? God, dammit!

    Well, but even I’m saying that I cannot be kind at all, I still found that I actually say a lot of "I love you". When Carrie said Miss Chen I love you, okay then, I love you too for real but for no reason at all. And she said something stunning: just like I love my mum, I don’t know why but just love you! So, there left no reason for me not to love you back, Carrie! and I told her, that’s something called love, you’ll never when and where you start to love sb and once it began, I can now tell there definitely will be a time for your heartbreaking for sure.

    When I say I’ve been attending meetings these days, here’s sth amazing! and the only thing left deep in my heart after all of these meeings. I really can’t think of anything that can be more inspiring than a chore singing My life will suck without you right in front of you in the theatre formed by 30 or so primary students among who you can always find this one or two boys 10 times prettier than Aaron Carter, and when you heard him singing, I mean the solo part that he sang, I bet I can die for it! I’m fuckin loving it!

My dog is stronger!!!!

 

KC

I ended up holding a tiny little cat between my arm and tummy to warm it the whole afternoon. Ah Ha, I’m more of an animal person than a normal one AGAIN.

 

Finally, I have to call my college tutor through skype rather than email her, that’s what stinks when you go for a distance learning project, you’ll always have communication problem!

 

In terms of communication, here’s something I have to make clear to sb, and, as I prefer to type it in English, someone has to help me to translate it in case he doesn’t understand. See, that’s the real problem, how can I be with someone without a certain English level beyond me?! NO WAY! Then, I’ll have to stop everytime when I want to speak something in English and think about how do I say it in Chinese, that would have driven me crazy you know. Plus, I’m not interested in that person AT ALL! Well, I have to confess that it is my bad actually but not entirely. First, I’m more of an abroad person like sb said in that case I’ll be facing some constant geographic problem. And second, I’m not ready and willing to start any relationship right now as I have to see with my own eyes how far I can go if I really try my level best. Third, and most importantly, it’s the former ones that spoiled me and kind of ruined my life! You know what, with that person, whose English name I’m still confusing now I can speak English whenever I want to since he’s a half native now and I guess no one can chanllenge him with vocabulary, AND he’s fine with Japanese as well, which makes it always so pleasant and enjoyable a moment when I talk, believe it or not, with that guy I can talk away the whole day and night! Besides, there’s another person, with whom, I can sit back in an armchair and enjoy the wacked talent show all day long, but no more comments there. SO, I should’ve known that technically, there’s no one who could be a better person than them! And from then on, I wouldn’t expect someon e better to show up any more, that’s pretty much for me and I shouldn’t expect any one to be good enough at the first place at all! I learnt my lesson, and you know what, I’ll tell what kind of person I really am.

Grumpy, wimpy, bossy, inconsiderate, immature, self-centered, capricious, wayward, unrestrained, wilful (sometimes), childish, foolish, careless, stubborn, hysteric, straight-forward but taciturn and squander sometimes (which is too bad!)…..

Hehe, I’m not joking, this is me!

Therefore, it’s not I want to get rid of someone, but rather, someone NEED to keep away from me!

Oh, and don’t try to trigger me I’m always in the mood! Recently, I find that I hate to be in public! Everyone seems to me as a fool and I don’t want them to see me in the same way…so another word, weird…

Right before I’m about to say it stinks! I finally got hold of some fancy hallowe’en costume which kind of cheers me up a bit. Everything in my family went down dramatically these days; I was trying to think of sth chinese to write, only to find that not much comes out; there’s sth called destiny though I hate to mention it…

Well, anyway, with that costume things might turned out not so bad as it looks.

 

So long, and good night~

 

KC

You know what, today, I finally figured out something–I’m a fool. When I was talking with PS about Max doesn’t get anything and Blah, Blah, Blah…It suddenly occurred on me that when I was even as old as a middle school student, I still wasn’t able to take in anything, either. Not a single clue of what was going on about my life and what it will be like in the future, but since the others were pretty much some nerds too, so that was’t so obvious anyway. But, but if I could sense something seriously, I wouldn’t end up like now.

The whole Chinese educational system is a large mistake itself and thus my life turns out to be one of those tregedies that they will probably be proud to say that they created it! They taught you only not the winning point! I’m not a failure academically, but emotionally, socialy, practically…I’m no better than Max!

Let’s make something clear then. I was not born in some normal family, to put it another way, the last thing in the world that the parents will do is to put some real effort to change their own life and since you are the only one who’s struggling for it, they doubt it too. I’m not making any complaints here as it wouldn’t be fair but what I truly want to make clear is: People are never born even and half of the world knows not how the other half lives. Plus, you can never talk some people into some real sense.

When people asked me: where’s your crazy hair? today, once again, technically, I can not do that. Frustrated, if you want to put some words to summaries how’s my life, that would always be the right word to use to suit each and every period of my life so far.

Ok, enough moaning, let’s get rid of that. Something that cheers me up recently is: you see, there are a lot of people who lives up to my criteria! As far as I know there are already 5 of them: a good-looking English man who lived in Janpan for 3 years  married a Japanese lady who now have two kids, a boy and  a girl who are as lovely as lovely can be!; A pianist form Netherland who lived in Japan for 10 years married a Chinese woman; Someone I don’t know yet; A close friend of mine who now lives in somewhere America, Iowa if my memory serves me right, is a polinguistic I’ll say, a nearly perfect person to talk to, a person who always lives up to his dream!; And a talented one, but no commets there. So, see…… I told you, there are a lot of people who lives up to my expectiation, it’s just a matter of making myself better.

To end up with, no action is the action plan for now. To my relationship, let’s just wait and see, no rush there since I don’t want my kids end up struggling with those English text book which kept repeating and correcting itself. You know what, I’m not only a fool but somewhat a freak too. I guess that pretty much for THE END.

 

KC

     The existence of mine can be ignored would be the best thing I ever wanted.

    I left sth in my dormitory, a soul that had never been so lonely and fearful. My love isn’t mine, but that alone wouldn’t be enough to contribute to the idea of ending the life, even if there’s no scare before it and pain afterwards.

    During the course of trying to be a good, responsible person is way too hard a task for a person like me. I’m struggling, no lie.

    The whole theme of my life should have been being alone, which is an assignment that will never be complished. Cause you’ll find that you end up with meeting and dealing with people every day n night. You either have to be with your family or yoru lover. It’s hardly a chance for you to be left alone because there always be someone who don’t want you to be.

    Several years later, I found out that people cry out loud only for seeking sympathy, from others or even themselves. Cause I realize that there’s actually no tears that is so upset as I can’t hold…

It is a show that will never end…

I hope I can disappear…

小さな恋、大きな夢